So we have been looking through lots of videos over the past few days….For Jason it’s therapeutic…for me it’s a double edged sword. I love hearing Chad’s voice and I love watching my three boys together. I miss those days so much. But those videos also bring up a lot of regret and make me want a redo.
Before Chad was diagnosed…you see my life is now segmented into two sections…before DIPG and after DIPG…..well before DIPG, I was a busy working mom who didn’t embrace the small stuff. I complained about the craziness and tried hard to do it all for everyone. And honestly, I feel like I can’t even remember a lot of those days. Race, race, race, sleep and repeat….Day after day without stepping back and really enjoying the moments that you can never get back.
Well it took Chad getting sick to change that and when I think about it, i just want to slap myself. I know it’s normal for moms to get overwhelmed, to sweat the small stuff, to try and keep up with everyone else, to worry about things that just don’t matter…..but it really bothers me that it took Chad getting sick for me to really get it…to really be able to embrace what really matters. For all of you who are there, I really want you to hear me…most of you will never go through something like we did and I’m grateful for that….but I would hope that it wouldn’t take going through a tragedy for friends and family to learn from my mistakes.
Embrace the crazy and don’t worry about things that in the grand scheme of things mean absolutely nothing. Don’t worry about keeping up with other people….what they have or what they do, or making sure your house is perfect every minute, or puting your job before your family….because in the end, you are just going to wonder where your life went….you’re going to blink and those little ones will be grown and out the door.
So CJ and Tommy still need me, but they just need me in a different way now. I have a lot more time for me but honestly, I would give anything to go back and be running from event to event for all three of my boys. I “get it” now and my life has been very different over the past 4 years….but I can’t get those years back and it hurts. I honestly feel like I should still have a little one to watch over. I watch these videos and I can’t even remember those days…they are such a blur.
I’m adamant not to let that continue and although I’m still busy, my family always comes first and I really try hard to not sweat the small stuff. Keeping up with everyone else and what they expect, it isn’t even on my radar anymore. If you need something from me and can’t find me….I’m probably with my family on the baseball field, football field or basketball court…..doing what they love and trying not to miss another minute. Enjoy the ride….even if it’s not on a mattress….Tammi